Spotting a female covert narcissist on the first few dates can be challenging, if not impossible because they tend to be very subtle in their behavior. However, there are some potential signs and red flags that you can look out for.
I often get asked: “Is there a foolproof way to detect and identify narcissism early on in the dating game?” The short answer is “no,” but here are 10 things that you should pay close attention to.
The first sign to suggest that you might be dealing with a covert narcissist is love bombing.
So, that quick intimacy is a telltale sign of all of the cluster B personality disorders. So, if your date seems to be idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal without any substantial reasons – I mean, they don’t really know you yet – it could be a sign of manipulation designed to secure your emotional investment and get you addicted to them so that you will be motivated to meet their needs and act as narcissistic supply in the future.
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Number two is excessive humility and selflessness.
Covert narcissists often present themselves as extremely humble, self-effacing, and selfless. They may go out of their way to portray themselves as caring, empathetic, and understanding. And while these are great qualities, if it seems excessive or fake, if it feels like they’re trying too hard to be selfless, it could be a red flag.
Number three is another sign that may suggest covert narcissism.
Their uncooperative and unappreciative attitude, and just being hard to please. So, right off the bat, maybe even on the first date, you might make a suggestion, but she resists for no good reason. For example, you say, ‘I’d like to take you out to seafood restaurant A,’ and she’s like, ‘Well, I don’t really like that restaurant, I like to go to seafood restaurant B.’ Or you say, ‘How about we go for a walk on the waterfront?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know, I’d rather go for a walk over there.
‘ So, no matter what you suggest, she counters it with, ‘I don’t like this, I’d rather that.’ It’s nice that you did this, but I prefer it be done this other way. They might be really nice about it, but they’re consistently pushing back on you and seem to lack the desire to compromise, wanting things to be done their way according to their needs and preferences. And they might be really nice about it, but there’s that resistance.
Number four, look out for excessive self-focus.
While everyone talks about themselves to some extent on the first few dates – I mean, that’s the whole point, right? To get to know each other. But if she dominates the conversations with stories about herself, this could be a sign of narcissism. Maybe she’s just nervous, but if she asks you questions she is always quickly finding opportunities to relate them back to herself, to her own experiences, so always brings things back to herself. Alternatively, if she’s interested in learning about you but is excessively focused on your trauma, your vulnerabilities, and your challenges, it could be a red flag because these things are likely to be used against you later on.
Number five is that they have a victim mentality.
So, they’re often talking about their problems, their hardships, and how they’ve been mistreated, portraying themselves as the victim in almost every situation and circumstance. And if you are an empathetic person, you may naturally feel sorry for them. You may want to bend over backward to try and help. It might lead you to accept the Savior hero role.
Number six, she doesn’t take criticism or accountability. So, for example, let’s say she tells you a story about a challenge that she’s having with her daughter. After listening carefully, you ask about her daughter’s perspective and how she might be feeling in the scenario. A covert narcissist may take this as criticism, and they may feel deeply offended that you’re not automatically and immediately taking their side and seeing their side only. Like, how dare you think that there might even be another perspective or that she may have an ounce of responsibility in this problem.
Number seven is a pessimistic worldview.
So, covert narcissists tend to paint a very bleak picture of the world. They see the world and everyone in it as enemies, and they act as though they’re being followed by this big black cloud of doom.
Number eight, watch for signs of entitlement or a sense of superiority.
This could show in how they treat other people, like service staff, how they talk about their loved ones and their co-workers, and how they talk about their own achievements. And notice whether they act like they always deserve better treatment and deserve more than what they have. So, remember, with a covert narcissist, this will be subtle. So, instead of outright bragging, she might drop subtle hints about her accomplishments or qualities, fishing for compliments and trying to make sure that you notice her special, unique qualities without explicitly stating them.
Number nine, the female covert narcissist often has an array of health concerns.
While their medical issues might be legitimate, they tend to overly focus and be unusually preoccupied with their ailments, constantly seeking validation, attention, and empathy regarding their health problems.
Number ten is crossing your boundaries.
So, covert narcissists will be testing your boundaries subtly, almost from day one. So, they might push a little bit here, push a little bit there. It might be around personal space, it might be around your preferences. And if you assert yourself or your boundaries, notice how they respond to that. They may attempt to manipulate you or pressure you into complying with what they want, with their desires. So, that’s a potential red flag.
So, an example might be that they insult you, and you call them out on it, and they accuse you of being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke. Or let’s say you decline an invitation, and they get angry or try to guilt you into going along with what they want, rather than accepting that you have other plans. Or maybe you agree to meet somewhere and they’re 10 minutes late without any explanation or apology.
Okay, so remember, these signs alone are not conclusive proof of covert narcissism. People may exhibit some of these behaviors for various other reasons, including bad dating experiences that have made them more defensive, suspicious, or cautious. But if you notice these signs and you express concern or you try to talk about it in a healthy way, instead of having a respectful conversation, a covert narcissist is likely to get defensive and dismiss you.
And no one wants to get hurt, no one wants to get burned, no one wants to make a bad investment with their time, their energy, their money. So, trust your intuition and pay attention to how this person behaves and whether it fits with your values and your long-term goals of having a happy, healthy relationship.
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