Today I’m talking about some things that are common in female covert narcissists but are very rarely discussed. These ten things that I’m about to describe are not symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder; however, they can help you identify toxic patterns associated with covert narcissism.
1. Big Arguments Over Nothing
Female covert narcissists are masters at making a mountain out of a molehill. They are constantly catastrophizing and discussing all the worst-case scenarios that you could encounter in any given situation. If you try to help them see the positives, they quickly switch back to the negatives, always looking for what could go wrong, feeling threatened, and interpreting neural signals as signs of real and extreme danger.
They are not interested in your solutions to their self-created problems but rather in having their victim narrative validated. They create chaos and conflict at every turn and then accuse you of not supporting them through it.
Related:
10 Early Warning Signs of the Covert Narcissist
10 Toxic Communication Tactics Of A Narcissist
10 Frequently Missed Covert Narcissist Signs
Unveiling the Subtle Signs of Covert Narcissism (YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS)
7 Strange Behaviors of Covert Narcissists
2. Turning On the Tears
When all else fails, the female covert narcissist will turn on the alligator tears, often accompanied by a faux angelic look. If she is cornered, caught red-handed, or feels exposed, she may resort to a dramatic display of tears and vulnerability. This emotional manipulation is designed to deflect accountability, evoke sympathy, and regain control.
It is a tactic that can be particularly disarming, leaving you feeling uncomfortable continuing the conversation and uncertain about confronting her bad behavior in the future.
3. Complaints of Chronic Illness
Female covert narcissists often exhibit a pattern of chronic physical ailments, frequently complaining of unspecified health issues. These complaints usually dominate the relationship dynamic, serving to attract constant attention and sympathy. While people can have legitimate chronic illnesses that don’t necessarily have a clear medical explanation, the difference is that they don’t use their health issues as a tool to manipulate or exploit others or as an excuse to avoid responsibilities, overshadow their needs and concerns, or act entitled to special treatment.
4. Avoiding Guilt and Shame at All Costs
Whenever you challenge or confront her on something she said or did wrong, she will become extremely defensive to avoid accountability and maintain her flawless victim facade. If you get an apology, it will be along the lines of, “Sorry, but you made me do it,” or “Sorry, but I only did it because you did this other thing first.” Typically, there will be no apology. Instead, she will deflect, deny, attack, and flip the script so that in the end, she’s the victim, no matter what.
For example, if she yells at you in front of your young children, she may start by saying she shouldn’t have done that but will quickly try to draw your attention away from the fact that she swore at you and demeaned you in front of your children to something you said or did wrong.
Even though you stayed calm and did nothing wrong, she will accuse you of something in that interaction that caused her to behave that way. In the end, she expects you to agree that she is the victim and you are the offender, and to apologize to her.
5. Extreme Chore Wars
While almost every relationship has “chore wars,” with a female covert narcissist, these challenges are taken to a whole other level. The fact that you do all the outside work does not lessen your indoor duties. She always has complaints and reasons why you also need to take on her tasks: she has a migraine, it’s her period, it’s a stressful day.
On top of that, she complains and criticizes the way you complete the tasks that were not yours in the first place. If you’re done with the chores and are relaxing, she will order you to do other chores, often guilting and shaming you in the process. In the case of narcissistic personality disorder, you will often see OCD-level expectations for how things must be done.
Your efforts will never be good enough, and every task is made far more complicated than it needs to be. No matter how hard you try, you are under constant scrutiny, treated like a 2-year-old child who is completely incompetent.
6. Emotional Reasoning
You can never resolve disagreements because you’re not arguing facts but rather emotions. You just can’t understand what they’re trying to say, and if you start to make sense of it, new facts are introduced, or the topic is changed. This constant shifting of topics and introduction of new facts serves to confuse and frustrate you, making it nearly impossible to have a productive discussion.
7. Emotional Blackmail
This could include empty threats to end the relationship, packing her bags and then coming back a few hours or days later, or threats of self-harm or damaging your reputation, all to create an atmosphere of fear and insecurity to gain control over you and the relationship dynamics.
8. Refusing to Talk and Work Through Issues
There is no opportunity for mature discussions, only stonewalling. If you try to communicate your needs, feelings, or concerns, she gives you the silent treatment or withholds affection to manipulate you.
9. Highly Critical of Others
A female covert narcissist is highly critical of others, with little to no concern for that person’s particular situation. They cannot empathize, despite their claims of being highly empathetic and expecting everyone to be empathetic toward them.
A large percentage of your discussions with a covert narcissist will revolve around you listening to them judge people—neighbors, family, friends, random strangers—and, of course, you. You will likely become her main source of complaints, and she will be complaining about you to the same people she’s complaining to you about.
10. Isolating You from Friends and Family
She will accuse your male friends or family members of inappropriate behavior towards her, causing you to cut that person off. This happens repeatedly, with valid reasons always provided for why you can’t associate with this friend or that family member. Eventually, you realize there’s no one left in your life other than her and her “flying monkeys.”
Again, I want to remind you that if your partner does a few of these things on occasion, it doesn’t mean they are a covert narcissist. But if they consistently exhibit many of these behaviors, I strongly suggest reaching out to a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse.
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