That’s what we’re talking about in this article. Today we’re talking about 11 ways a covert narcissist punishes you. Some of these tactics are recognizable as punishments. Others are so subtle that with a little plausible deniability, the covert narcissist, completely evades detection. The covert narcissist doesn’t mind that you don’t know that you’re being punished. Creating drama and chaos in your life is its own reward. They get to just sit back and watch the havoc that they’ve wreaked, unfold.
Number 1. The Silent Treatment.
With an overt narcissist, the silent treatment is usually obvious. They refuse to speak to you for hours, days, or even weeks. Sometimes it’s while living in the same house and other times it’s while living apart, ghosting you, refusing to communicate, and maybe even blocking you on devices. But with a covert narcissist, this can be much more subtle. They may just be quieter than usual and insist that nothing is wrong. They might be avoiding you in the home or have earbuds in so that you don’t try to talk to them. They might even act like they didn’t hear you with a dismissive tone and a statement like, “What did you say something?”
Number 2. Put Downs.
The covert narcissist may put you down as a way to devalue you. This could be a joke that hits too close to home. A backhanded compliment, a criticism, a correction.
Number 3. Weaponized Incompetence.
The narcissist may intentionally do tasks poorly to devalue you, exert power and control over you, to cause drama and chaos for you to resolve. They love watching you run around to fix what they have accidentally done.
Number 4. Undermining Your Competence.
The covert narcissist definitely does not want you to experience success while they are punishing you. That would be like giving someone ice cream during a timeout. They will make you doubt yourself. Not only your competence but your willingness to see the truth, to be open to feedback. They may even get you to believe that you are a narcissist.
Number 5. Sabotage.
This is a favorite, covert narcissist’s go-to strategy. They sabotage you while you are none the wiser. Often they don’t know they’re consciously doing it, yet they love watching the drama and the chaos that ensues. The covert narcissist may break something that you love; delete your calendar; not give you an important message, or even take the outfit you are planning on wearing to a big event to the dry cleaners so it’s not available when you go to get dressed.
Number 6. Revealing your private information.
The key here is the covert narcissist will “drop” or let slip this information seemingly innocently. You know that secret your best friend made you keep and promised to not tell anyone? Well, the covert narcissist will drop to the best friend that they know. Or you’ve been looking for a new job. The covert narcissist will drop this to your coworker, or worse yet, your boss. You don’t like your mom’s chili? The covert narcissist will let this slip to her. Or say you’re trying to lose weight. The covert narcissist will mention this to the host and everyone else at the party. And when you confront them, they’ll say, “What? I didn’t realize it was a secret,” or, “I thought she knew,” or “I was just trying to be supportive.”
Number 7. Trying to get you in trouble.
The covert narcissist uses this one with the number six. It’s a dual strategy to create extreme chaos and distress in your life. They dropped knowledge of your best friend’s secret. Now, your best friend is furious with you. They dropped the info about your job search. Now your job is at risk. They told your mom you didn’t like her chili. Now your mom’s hurt you don’t like her chili and more hurt that you weren’t comfortable telling her.
Number 8. Gaslighting.
The covert narcissist will gaslight you – convincing you that your memories and your version of reality are not real. The results are devastating. You worry that something’s really wrong with you. You may even seek medical attention. And you give over your power and control to the narcissist, trusting their version of reality more than your own.
Number 9. Excess control.
When the covert narcissist is trying to punish you, they will take extra control where they can. They want to be relevant, and dominant, even while appearing to be the weak victim. This may look like keeping information from you, moving joint finances to an unknown location, or withholding s*e*x.
Number 10. Verbal and/or physical abuse.
Even covert narcissists may resort to extreme overt abuse. This tends to happen when they are truly desperate when their mask has slipped when they fear the very survival of their persona is at risk. In those moments, they are extremely dangerous.
Number 11. A Smear Campaign.
When the covert narcissist is extremely desperate, when they feel their identity is at risk, they may choose to punish you with a smear campaign. When they can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you. The covert narcissist might call the police on you or provoke reactive abuse while recording it or convince their flying monkeys of ridiculous allegations. Depending on the context, this is a great punishment because it robs you of your family, your friends, you’re standing in the community, your legal rights, and your job.
Drop a comment if you’ve experienced any of these types of punishments, which was worst? Look, Knowledge is power. Awareness is everything. Knowledge is power. Most victims are abused by covert narcissists for months, years, or even decades before they see the truth, and even then it can be almost impossible to see while they’re still in it. Learning to recognize the tactics and strategies for what they allow you to make sense of your world.
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