I often talk about how to recognize the subtle red flags or warning signs that might suggest someone is a narcissist or at least highly narcissistic. But what about all of the not-so-subtle signs that are often ignored or overlooked? These signs show up early on, especially in romantic relationships, even as early as the first few dates.
Today I’m talking about seven overt red flags that should never be overlooked, as well as five reasons that we might ignore these warnings. At the end of this article, I will give you my best advice on how to handle these red flags.
Number 1: Love and Se*x Bombing
Okay, so let’s jump right in. The first obvious sign to watch out for is love and sex bombing, and I won’t go into great detail about this because I will be posting an article specifically on this topic very soon. But just quickly, in a nutshell, this is when someone is pouring it on thick, giving you all the attention, admiration, gifts, sex, and other rewards – essentially getting you addicted to them, hijacking your nervous system and attachment system. And it might feel amazing to be constantly surprised like this, but believe me, soon you will be getting other kinds of surprises, and that’ll be the kind that you don’t like.
Related:
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Number 2: They Warn You
The second overt warning sign is when a narcissist comes right out and warns you about their true nature. So they might straight up tell you that they’re a narcissist or they may say that they’re not a good person. They might warn you that they’re unstable, cruel, or just mean.
They might say things like, “I’m not who you think I am,” or “Someday you’ll regret getting involved with me,” or “I’m messed up.” So something like this might catch you off guard because it’s not something you would typically expect someone to say very early on in the dating aspect of the relationship.
But when they say stuff like this, they’re warning you and testing you. They want to see how you’ll react. Will you brush it off and think that they’re just joking around or being too hard on themselves? Will you feel sorry for them? Will you try to make them feel better about themselves? Will you make an extra effort to comfort or reassure them? If so, you pass the test.
And if you choose to stick around despite their warnings, they will feel like they have the green light to treat you poorly because, after all, they did give you the heads up.
Number 3: they act superior and entitled.
So while some narcissists may tell you that they’re a narcissist or a toxic person, other narcissists may tell you that they are the best person in the whole world, a flawless human being. So they may tell you about all of their amazing qualities and act oh so much better than everyone else.
And of course, because they’re so perfect, they are entitled to sit in their ivory tower and throw stones at all the lowly peasants beneath them. So right off the bat, you may notice that they are dismissive, demanding, and condescending – not likely towards you at first, but notice how they talk about and how they treat other people. Do they talk as though everyone in the world is an idiot, a narcissist, or an abuser? If so, it’s a huge red flag. When they are painting themselves with a perfect brush almost everyone else is painted as a villain or painted black.
When they are always in the right and they feel like they’re more deserving than other people, expecting everyone to bend over backward and lick the bottom of their shoes, beware. And because they feel so entitled and superior, you might notice almost right off the bat that they don’t feel like the rules apply to them or that certain people don’t deserve their consideration or respect.
You may notice that their time and their convenience are far more important than anyone else’s, including yours. For example, they may cancel dates at the last minute; they may arrive late with lame or no excuses, or they might change their plans because it’s what suits them best.
Keep in mind that a covert narcissist may not act entitled in the same ways as a grandiose narcissist. Instead, they may constantly complain about minor issues and expect you and other people to make extreme efforts to listen to them and to rectify these trivial things.
Another example is they might act like a martyr, having selflessly sacrificed themselves to serve and help others, acting like they are above morally, emotionally, or spiritually. This facade of humility and portraying themselves as deeply spiritual or emotionally advanced or as giving and generous is going to be the basis of asserting their superiority and entitlement.
Number 4: is the victim-hero dynamic.
This is a giant red flag that everyone should be aware of. In the case of a covert narcissist, they will paint themselves as the victim of circumstance, never responsible for anything that’s gone wrong in their lives, no accountability. And initially, they will see you as their rescuer, as their savior.
They want you to validate their victim stance and offer grand promises to be the solution to all of their problems, positioning you as the potential hero. But inevitably, you will disappoint them, and you will be cast as the villain. Soon, they will become anxious, depressed, and disgruntled, and they will blame you for failing them. The grandiose narcissist, on the other hand, tends to do the opposite. They will paint themselves as the hero who’s coming to save you. They will come off looking like they’ve got it all together, and maybe in some ways, they do.
They might have a great job, lots of money, and maybe a powerful circle of superficial relationships. So on the first dates with a grandiose narcissist, you might feel more like you’re back in grade one in a show-and-tell class. They want to showcase their achievements, and their possessions, and they will promise you the moon, making you feel so important but also indebted to them.
And as you inevitably fail to uphold their extremely fragile ego, they will become more and more disappointed in you. They will become agitated, disinterested, and demeaning, and they will renege on all of the promises that they made and blame you for that and start looking for someone new and better than you to shower with all of their greatness.
Number 5: narcissists are insecure and hierarchical in their thinking.
So they have an imaginary line in their mind, and everyone below that line is seen as a bad guy, unworthy of their time, unworthy of their attention, and deserving of negative judgments and whatever demeaning, attacking things that they have in store for them.
Everybody above the line is idealized or at least viewed as a potential source of narcissistic supply, someone to be manipulated and used to serve their egoic needs. So what you will notice early on while dating a narcissist is this black-and-white view of people in their lives, with most people being smeared, even though the narcissist may act very kind to their face but then creating these damaging narratives about them behind their back, which they often seem to genuinely believe.
For this reason, they are often trash-talking others, belittling people, putting them down. So even from the very start of the relationship, you may notice that they are putting strangers down and talking poorly of their own family and so-called friends. This could be people who have offended or disappointed them in some way, or it can also just be people who they perceive as being better looking, smarter, or more successful than them. They need to lower others to feel better about themselves.
Number 6: a narcissist has a mega need for attention and admiration.
So they are constantly steering the conversation and the attention towards themselves. They monopolize discussions, take up all the energy, and change the emotional tone of the room. They talk about themselves, their experiences, their opinions.
Or in the case of a covert narcissist, they incessantly talk about their problems, how unfair they’ve been treated, all of their needs, wants, things that are related to them, their boundaries, and their rules. So if you’re paying close attention, you will notice that they don’t have much interest in who you are as a person.
They want to know how you can benefit them. So if they ask you questions, it’s likely to find out more about your bank account balance and your ability to support and supply them. Will you idealize them and give them the attention, admiration, validation, reassurance, and resources that they need?
Keep in mind that if you’re dealing with a sociopath, they will keep the conversation focused almost entirely on you and your past, your childhood trauma, your past relationships, your needs, desires, your vision – anything that they can use to manipulate and exploit you later on. I will be posting an article about the key differences between a narcissist and a sociopath, so hit the notification bell so that you don’t miss it.
Number 7: Lack of Empathy
Narcissists lack empathy, and how you may observe this early on is you might notice that they make insensitive comments, invalidate your feelings, ignore your nonverbal cues, cross your boundaries, or at least push them, dismiss your perspectives if they don’t match with theirs.
Maybe they’re indifferent to the suffering of others or, in the case of a covert narcissist, they may act overly concerned in dramatic ways about the suffering of others or about complex worldly problems, offering up simplistic solutions to these issues. Another way you might see their lack of empathy is in their vindictive attitudes and behaviors toward past partners or towards anyone that they perceive has mistreated them.
Okay, so here are five reasons why you might ignore these warning signs and continue dating someone even though there are major red flags. First, you might enjoy the attention and affection they’re giving you at the beginning of the relationship. Even if it’s not genuine, love bombing feels amazing. It’s like a rush, and you might get hooked on these highs. You might know that it’s too good to be true; you may realize that it’s most likely not going to end well, but at the moment, it feels too good to give up.
Second, you might get caught up in the idea of them being your perfect partner, your soulmate, that person who can fulfill all of your deepest desires, make you feel complete, and provide that fantasy future. It’s like living in a dream world, and that can be hard to pass up.
Third, you might believe that you can change them, or maybe you think that deep down, they are a good person, and with enough love and patience, you can help them become a better person.
Fourth is the fear of being alone. Some people might fear being alone more than they fear being in a toxic relationship.
And the last reason is low self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, especially if you develop low self-worth as a result of having narcissistic parents, you may disregard red flags because you know they’re familiar, and you have always been treated this way. Maybe you don’t feel worthy of anything better.
So as promised, here’s my best piece of advice on this subject: if someone tells you that they’re a narcissist or a toxic person, whether it’s through their words, their actions, or their history, believe them. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can love them enough to heal them. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you might be missing out on the greatest romance in the history of all time. It’s just not going to happen.
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