If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, then you already know that once you break up, they will often strategically try to re-engage you, otherwise known as hoovering. It can come weeks, months, or even years later, but there they are, showing up in your inbox randomly, running into you somewhere, and putting their hooks out to see if you want to go another round.
And maybe you start remembering the magical moments, the good times, the highs, and they’re looking so good, acting super nice and flirty, maybe talking about how much they’ve missed you, how much they’ve learned and grown since your relationship ended. And you start to wonder if they’ve truly changed.
In this article, I will explain seven reasons why it’s nearly impossible for a narcissist to change and why if you go back, you will most likely be burned again. At the end of this Tropic, I will also tell you how to know when you’ve truly broken free and are no longer under the narcissist’s reign of power and control.
Okay, so let’s jump right in with seven reasons why it’s almost impossible for a narcissist to change. Some would say completely impossible.
Number one is the lack of self-awareness.
A narcissist lives in a state of denial, with the reality of who they are shielded by layers upon layers of defense mechanisms. Now, you don’t need to be a narcissist to lack self-awareness, but most people, after experiencing the same patterns or problems repeatedly, will eventually say to themselves, “Hey, wait a minute, maybe I have something to do with this.
Maybe this problem, this pattern needs my attention. And maybe there’s something that I need to take an honest look at with myself.” Rarely does a narcissist ever get to this point of self-awareness. Instead, they are blinded by the disorder.
They cannot see themselves as they actually are but only as the delusional version of themselves that they’ve created. And they avoid people who see them as they are, especially truth-tellers who have the courage to call them out on their state of denial.
And even when they have a full narcissistic collapse, instead of digging deep within themselves and looking at their destructive patterns with honesty and humility, a narcissist will quickly rebuild another facade, a new mask.
Number two is their twisted sense of perception.
Narcissists are often offended by reality, and when faced with it, they are resolute in their delusions and they attempt to gaslight anyone who questions their sense of reality.
Now, at times, the narcissist is simply gaslighting others as a way to manipulate them, but other times, their own perceptions and interpretations are twisted. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter; the results are the same. Those who stick around end up losing touch with reality, and they start relying on the narcissist to interpret reality for them.
Number three is their state of inner avoidance.
So not only does a narcissist avoid their external reality, but they also avoid their honest thoughts, their deepest feelings, and their darkest memories. Even if they get a glimpse of what is going on within themselves, they can’t make any sense of it. So they block it, they repress it, and they avoid it altogether. It’s a pretty simple formula that has allowed them to survive emotionally.
In therapy, when you ask a narcissist to write their autobiography, the story of their life, and try to help them find those pivotal points and themes that may be at the root of their disorder, they can’t. It’s repressed, or they simply refuse, denying that their past experiences could have anything to do with the recurring problems that they’re facing today.
Number four is a lack of empathy.
A narcissist may have some level of cognitive empathy; they may even have some emotional empathy in situations that feel safe to them. However they do not have empathy in their relationships, and the closer the relationship, the less empathy they have. Now, that’s not to say that they’re not good at faking empathy, but rather that they cannot truly put themselves in your position.
They can’t see things from your perspective or walk a mile in your shoes, so to speak. They can’t feel what it would feel like to be strung along in a torturous, chaotic, dramatic cycle, being deceived, lied to, and cheated on. The truth is, narcissists struggle to feel genuine empathy towards others, not because they don’t want to, but because their brains’ empathy center is deficient, causing them to save any empathy that they do have for themselves.
Number five is a lack of remorse.
Now, even healthy people do not always refrain from harmful behavior. But when they behave badly, when they hurt others, they tend to feel guilty and remorseful. They typically have the ability to say, “Yes, I did that, and I’m sorry.” Not “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but “You made me do it.
” So not only do narcissists lack the depth of empathy that causes most people to refrain from harmful actions and to feel bad when they have hurt someone, a narcissist just can’t do that. Instead, they spin webs of elaborate lies and deceptions to avoid feeling guilty or shameful for what they’ve done.
Number six is the lack of authenticity.
Even if you do get what seems like a real apology from a narcissist, it’s probably not authentic. It’s probably a ploy. They want something. And now I’m not saying that they never have a brief moment of genuine authenticity, but it’s fleeting.
Number seven, a narcissist will not accept treatment.
If they do, they want to talk about how their problems are someone else’s fault. They want validation, and they want strategies to reinsulate themselves from their shame and to further manipulate others. They want to hone their psychological manipulation tactics and use them on those that they see as standing in the way of their self-centered goals.
They don’t want to do the deep inner work to resolve feelings of shame. They don’t want to examine their negative behavior patterns that are fueling their toxic levels of shame and toxic relationships. And they certainly are not interested in saying, “It’s me, I’m the problem.”
So when the therapist points out their role in the destructive patterns that are going on in their life and in their relationships, instead of standing in the possibility that it might be true, the narcissist instead devalues the therapist, becomes antagonistic, questions their credentials, fires them, or whatever.
And if they continue therapy, it’s usually just to manipulate their partner or someone else, maybe to give you hope that they’re doing the work to change, maybe to twist the therapist’s opinions or words, using it to devalue and triangulate you.
So if you are being patient and understanding, that’s fine. But I would suggest that you start keeping track of whether there is any real change or is it just a bunch of empty promises.
Chances are, if you continue the relationship or if you step back into the relationship once you’ve gotten out, you will get burned again.
And even if you’re trauma bonded, fully addicted to the narcissist, it’s still your responsibility to get the help that you need to break free for good. And you will know when their reign over you is over because you will see the narcissist for exactly who they are. You won’t buy their act, take their bait, or believe that their love for you is real.
Related:
10 Reasons Codependents Fall For Narcissists
10 Problems Only Narcissists Have
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