Covert narcissists put downs so imperceptibly, you just might miss them. That’s what we’re talking about in this article. I help you identify the hidden narcissist in your life, identify the impact they’re having on your life, and then turn that trauma and that drama into gold becoming stronger and more powerful than you ever were before. If that sounds like exactly what you need, a notification bell so that you’re notified of each and every article.
Today I am breaking down covert narcissists, and put-downs. I’m telling you, they are so subtle that they may not even be noticeable to the average person, but subtle does not mean insignificant. Covert narcissists are masters of putting you down so subtly, so imperceptibly that you walk away scratching your head, wondering if it was actually a put-down.
And before I run through this list, consider this. Many of these things could be said out of love. It’s not the statement that’s a problem, it’s the energy or the meaning behind it. The covert narcissist has studied you thoroughly. They know exactly what is going to make you feel ashamed, insecure, and uncertain. And they skillfully target these areas to get their desired effect – a decrease in your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-confidence, and an increase in narcissistic supply for them. So here are some examples of
The traditional passive-aggressive putdown:
I love how uninhibited you are. I could never be so bold. You really know what you want. Are you sure you want to wear that? If I had a body like that, I’d show a lot of skin too. You must like the attention. Does everything come easy for you? It must be nice to get everything you want. Of course, you passed. Did you think you wouldn’t? Really? You don’t look like someone who’s at the top of your class. Are you sure they invited you to speak and not just to attend?
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Wow, it must be really hard to find speakers this year . . . I’m sure you’ll do great. How much did that cost? You must make a lot of money to be able to buy that. Are you sure you really want to go? You look nice today. Are you wearing makeup? Have you thought about toning? Maybe we should buy you some clothes that fit a little better. “Eat up. You’re a growing boy” while patting your tummy. Often you’ll notice a put-down.
When the narcissist’s words and their energy don’t match.
Most covert narcissists are extremely passive-aggressive. And being empathic, you can feel the energy or the intent behind their words. Maybe they say, “Don’t get up. I’ll get it for you.” And their energy communicates that they think you’re lazy. Maybe it’s “You don’t have to buy me anything. You’re so busy,” and their energy communicates that you’re self-absorbed. Maybe it’s swooping in with a, “Let me do that for you,” and their energy communicates that you’re completely incompetent. Or maybe it’s, “I’ll take care of it,” and their energy communicates total annoyance. Maybe it’s, “I’m happy to pick you up,” and their energy communicates that this is a huge inconvenience.
Sometimes dismissal is the ultimate put down.
Say you excitedly share some awesome and amazing news and the narcissist responds with, “Uh, what?” “Did you say something?” or, “Wow, that’s great” without even looking up. Maybe you share your feelings about a challenge you’re having in your relationship after asking them if it was a good time to talk. And the narcissist responds with, “Say again . . .” “I missed that.” Or “Did you get the mail?” And often it’s the things they don’t say that are, leverage is put-downs. Maybe they enter a room and say hello to everyone there except you.
Maybe they invite everyone in the office to come out for their birthday, making it clear that the conversation does not include you. And later they act offended when you don’t come. When you say, “I wasn’t invited,” they act disgusted and say, “That’s ridiculous. You were there when we discussed it.” Maybe they pass out cupcakes for their birthday to everyone but you, and you get a, “Sorry, I ran out.” Or maybe they invite your entire friend group to an event with limited capacity and there isn’t room for you. And they tell you, “You understand, right?”
Subtle does not mean insignificant.
The covert narcissist knows how to use words to devalue you while hiding behind plausible deniability. If you call them out on their comment, they’ll faint in surprise “What? I didn’t mean anything about it. You’re so sensitive.” It’s called death by a thousand paper cuts for good reason. If this article resonates with you, type “Subtle is significant” in the comments.
Then like this article, share it with someone who needs to hear this message. And if you are ready to say No to further put-downs, to put narcissistic relationships and narcissistic abuse behind you, to break the trauma bond, to deprogram, your own codependency that attracts narcissists, to rewrite your subconscious patterns and scripts to become truly indifferent.
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