Today’s topic comes from questions asking: What is meant by the term “Narcissistic compassion”? Another question is, How does narcissistic compassion differ from altruistic narcissism? But I would like to begin by saying a narcissist is not necessarily someone who is selfish or difficult at times. I think that if we were all honest, we can all be a little bit like that once in a while.
The characteristics of narcissism include a sense of superiority and a huge sense of entitlement. There’s a lack of empathy for other people, and they can be very disagreeable. They’re self-absorbed and have a constant need for validation and admiration from others. They can also be highly resistant to criticism. And these characteristics would be long-term, consistent, and pervasive, not just once in a while.
Altruistic vs. Compassionate Narcissism:
Answering the second question, as is common with narcissism in general, both narcissistic compassion and altruistic narcissism involve a self-serving aspect to their behavior. The key differences lie in the focus and motivation behind their actions. An altruistic narcissist can be harder to identify compared to other narcissistic behaviors because their actions can appear selfless on the surface.
However, the motivation behind their generosity often revolves around their desire for recognition, praise, and validation. They want to be seen as the kindest, most generous person there is. They seek a sense of recognition and draw attention to their generosity. Their charitable acts often serve as a way to boost their own self-esteem or social standing.
On the other hand, narcissistic compassion is more of a tactic used by people with strong narcissistic traits to fulfill their own needs rather than being a genuine expression of empathy or care for others. Again, it’s primarily driven by self-interest – to maintain their self-image, gain personal benefits, and manipulate and control others. The display of compassion is often quite fake and is used to justify their abuse towards others.
Examples of Narcissistic Compassion:
Some common examples of narcissistic compassion would first of all be public displays of affection. They might make grand gestures in public to show their supposed love and devotion to their partners, families, or kids. However, these displays are often aimed at gaining admiration and validation from others rather than expressing genuine emotions.
Similar to altruistic narcissists, they can be generous and kind, but these acts often come with ulterior motives. An extravagant gift, for example, might be more about gaining control or portraying a certain image, rather than genuine kindness. Another way narcissists use compassion is to make others feel guilty or indebted to them.
They may offer help or support to someone but later use it as leverage to make demands or guilt trip the person into complying with their wishes. When people with strong narcissistic traits offer help and support, it’s often conditional, even if those conditions are unspoken. The person they help must be beholden to them somehow, sometimes indefinitely, or at least until the narcissist decides to discard them.
Using Compassion to Abuse: Dark Personality:
Moving into the realm of dark personality types, compassion can be used to dominate and punish. In addition to narcissism, there are elements of psychopathy, callousness, manipulation, sadism, and dark empathy. They use their understanding of others’ emotions and vulnerabilities to control and punish them.
Feeling compassion, they gain sympathy and manipulate emotions and actions. They recruit others to do their bullying or stalking for them, often referred to as “flying monkeys.” These agents feed their intelligence on their victims and reinforce their image of being caring.
They play the victim, using stories to garner sympathy and rationalize their abusive actions. In abusive relationships, they gaslight their victims by using compassion to justify controlling behavior. They can also exploit their own remorse and regret to manipulate victims into accepting or excusing abuse.
In summary, people with deeply ingrained narcissistic traits may display empathy or concern, much like altruistic narcissists. However, their acts are self-serving, shallow, and short-lived.
They struggle to genuinely understand or connect with others’ emotions and experiences. Their distorted displays of compassion are manipulative tactics rather than genuine expressions of feeling. These tactics are designed to rationalize, minimize, or justify their abusive behavior.
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