The Real pain of narcissistic abuse explained

Now, some of you are not going to like this message because we have a very difficult time looking at our part in any toxic relationship, especially with narcissistic people. This is particularly true when we feel immense pain, anger, and confusion, and we find ourselves trapped in a state of fight or flight. But what if I told you that only 25% of your pain is caused by the narcissist’s behavior? If you can grasp this message, you will reclaim your power, and you will never experience the pain of narcissistic abuse the same way again. Let’s explore this together.

Now, let’s dive into the topic: 25% of your pain comes from the narcissist’s behavior, while 75% of the overwhelming majority comes from something deeper within yourself.

The Narcissist’s Hurtful Behavior

Let’s be clear about something: narcissistic abuse of any kind does, indeed, hurt. It hurts to be called names, insulted, talked down to, yelled at, demeaned, and devalued. It hurts to be rejected, neglected, and ignored. It hurts when you’re lied about and gossiped about. All these things that narcissists do are painful and they know it. That’s precisely why they do it: to control you and the relationship you’re in.

However, these painful actions are not confined to just this toxic relationship. You can experience similar hurtful behavior anywhere on the street, in the grocery store, or even in your workplace. Someone driving by could yell an insult, or a colleague might gossip about you. These behaviors can happen in various settings, yet, despite the initial sting, they typically don’t linger or weigh on you for long.

The Deeper Source of Pain: Investment and Expectation

This brings us to the real cause of 75% of your pain in a toxic relationship. The majority of your suffering stems from your lost investment in the relationship your unmet hopes and expectations. This deeper, internal pain can haunt you for days, weeks, months, or even years after leaving a toxic relationship.

When we invest in relationships whether it’s time, energy, or love we naturally expect something in return. We are biologically wired this way; our brains operate on a reward system involving chemicals like serotonin and dopamine. These reward us for our efforts. When we invest in something, we subconsciously expect that investment to be reciprocated.

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But when it comes to toxic relationships, especially with narcissists, your emotional investment often yields nothing in return. The more you give, the more you risk becoming emotionally bankrupt, which leads to greater pain, anger, and frustration. This is why, in many cases, the more you try to make the relationship work, the more you suffer.

The Difference Between Pain and Investment

Let me share a personal example to further illustrate this. Growing up, I lived in a very abusive home with my stepfather, who yelled, screamed, and insulted me and my brother constantly. Yes, it was uncomfortable and hurtful at the moment, but it didn’t linger. Why? Because I had no emotional investment in that relationship. I couldn’t stand the man, and I didn’t see him as a father figure. As a result, his insults didn’t stick. They stung like a bee sting but left no lasting mark.

However, contrast this with my experience with my former in-laws. I went into that relationship with hope, investing time, energy, and emotions. I wanted to be part of a family, and I hoped to build meaningful connections. Their narcissistic behavior insults, criticisms, and rejection hurt far more than anything my stepfather ever said. The difference was that I had invested in the relationship, and I had hopes and expectations attached to that investment.

The Formula for Pain: Investment + Hope = Suffering

Write this down: Investment plus hope and expectation often lead to unimaginable pain and suffering, especially in relationships. If you’re investing in a relationship hoping it will change or improve, yet receive nothing in return, you are setting yourself up for deep emotional pain. It’s like investing your life savings in a risky venture with the expectation of doubling your money. If it fails, the pain of loss will be overwhelming.

The same is true for relationships. We must stop investing in relationships for hope and expectations. Instead, only invest where there is a reciprocal exchange of value. If you find yourself constantly hoping that things will get better, hoping that the person will change, or hoping that you will finally be enough, you are already in a toxic relationship.

Misplaced Hope Leads to Sickness

The Bible warns us about misplaced hope. It says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” meaning that when you place your hope in the wrong places, it leads to spiritual, emotional, and physical sickness. Misplacing hope in a toxic relationship will leave you feeling exactly how you do right now broken and drained.

Hope belongs in what cannot be seen, in something higher, like God or heaven. Hoping that toxic people will suddenly change, that they will give you what you need, or that the relationship will improve is a false hope. It’s like trying to buy fruit from a market stall where no fruit exists.

Taking Back Your Power

Once you understand that 75% of your pain comes from your misplaced investment and hope, you can stop giving yourself into a black hole. Instead, you’ll begin to invest only where you receive something in return. This shift gives you control, and you will no longer experience the pain of narcissistic abuse in the same way again.

Invest only in relationships that are nourishing where you are mentally, emotionally, and physically fed. That is what a healthy relationship looks like..