Are you tired of constantly feeling undervalued and taken for granted in your relationship? Well, what if we told you it’s not because you have bad luck? Rather, you might be dealing with a ‘Nice Guy’ narcissist. These individuals are masters at hiding their narcissistic nature behind a charming facade. They seem caring, kind, and generous at first, making it hard for you to suspect their lack of empathy and self-centeredness.
Not to mention they don’t understand and appreciate your point of view. So, eventually, you find yourself starting a romantic relationship with this person. But once you discover that someone you thought was a genuinely nice person is actually a narcissist, it can be incredibly disheartening, shocking, and distressing. It’s also a painful realization when you realize that you’ve developed romantic feelings for someone who has been pretending to be someone they’re not.
But perhaps you’re not sure if your partner right now is a nice guy narcissist. Don’t worry. By the end of this article, you’ll have all the knowledge you need to recognize the 9 red flags that determine if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist pretending to be a nice guy.
Number 1: They violate your boundaries.
When it comes to the boundaries you’ve set, he won’t respect them. However, he’ll do it in a subtle, “nice guy” narcissistic way. That is, he’ll be careful not to make himself look bad and might even do something completely out of character. During the onset of your relationship with him, your boundaries might be violated without you realizing it because the “nice guy” narcissist is skilled at keeping their behavior hidden. On one hand, you believe you’re dating a genuinely nice person. They’re always doing kind things for you and being overly helpful.
But then, they’ll completely betray you. The nice guy narcissist can violate your boundaries in different ways, often when you least expect it, leaving you shocked. You might even find yourself excusing their behavior, questioning your sanity, rationalizing what happened, or even denying that it happened at all. For instance, you might suspect that he checked your phone without permission. But since you’re dating a “nice guy,” you wouldn’t believe they could do such a thing.
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Number 2: They have a martyr complex.
If someone is always playing the victim card, making it seem like they have no choice but to selflessly sacrifice for others, but you know deep down it’s only half true, then maybe it’s time to rethink your relationship with them. So, here’s an example for you. Let’s say your partner happily volunteers in an animal shelter for 5 hours every Saturday. But when talking to others, he presents it as a duty, like he’s obligated to do it. You know the truth though.
He signed up for it and genuinely enjoys the work. Now, here’s the thing. Whenever you need him for something important or in emergencies during that time, he insists he can’t leave the shelter, saying that it’s impossible. And if he does leave, he’ll be sacrificing a lot just to help you out. Not to mention it’ll affect others in the shelter. But here’s the kicker. There are enough volunteers during that period, so they would have him covered if he chose to leave.
Number 3: They excessively flatter you.
When you’re involved with a nice guy narcissist, the love bombing stage can be quite intense. They’ll shower you with compliments and do everything they can to please you, all in the hopes of making you see them in a positive light. But it’s important to realize that these actions are all driven by self-interest. Their kindness towards you is all about seeking your approval. They’re really invested in making sure you like them because if you don’t, it’s a major blow to their ego. The problem with engaging with a narcissistic “nice guy” is that it can lead to a whole bunch of issues down the line. Their obsession with being liked gets in the way of building an honest, transparent, and direct connection, and that then brings in all sorts of problems for you.
Number 4: They gaslight you.
We’re talking about this “nice guy” narcissist here, right? So, when it comes to gaslighting, he’ll be subtle about it. He’ll do things that make you question your perception, but in a very polite manner, for example. Let’s paint a picture. Imagine you’ve put your heart and soul into starting your own company. It’s your baby, and you’re so proud of it. But this triggers some jealousy in that “nice guy” narcissist. So, what does he do? He subtly plants seeds of doubt about your plans for the company. Perhaps he’ll offer advice and shower you with positive feedback, but doing so in a way that makes you start questioning your decisions.
He might even make you feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about and that his insights are way better than yours. Now, the tricky part is that the same kind of behavior could come from a genuinely kind partner, right? The real difference lies in the intention behind the feedback. Is it driven by love or fueled by jealousy? It’s tough to know for sure. But if he’s showing other behaviors from our list, chances are his feedback is coming from a place of jealousy.
Number 5: They give you conditional love.
You know, the love of a nice guy narcissist comes with strings attached, whether it’s materialistic or emotional. It’s like you either have to fulfill their materialistic demands or go above and beyond to meet their emotional needs. And guess what? Nice guy narcissists often rely heavily on women to contribute more to the relationship than what’s fair or equal.
So, when you’re dealing with one, expect to give more than you receive, and that can cause you a lot of pain. You know what’s even more challenging? When you meet a nice guy narcissist who seems like they need your help. Before you know it, you’re financially supporting them, maybe even moving in together and taking on the burden of paying their rent. Now, they might promise to contribute to the bills once they establish themselves in a new career.
But most of the time, that day will never come. And even if they do get a new job, they’ll always give you excuses as to why they can’t give their share, leaving you to shoulder the weight of the relationship both financially and emotionally. It’s a tough spot to be in, no doubt about it. And you know what’s worse? They’ll make you feel like if you can’t do all that, there’s no reason for them to love you.
Number 6: They are deceptively kind.
You know, those so-called “nice guy” narcissists aren’t actually kind at all. They put on a show of being nice just to gain trust and control. They’ll go to great lengths to help people, painting themselves as the epitome of kindness. But in reality, it’s all part of their manipulative nature. Here’s an example. Imagine you’re having relationship issues and you try to open up to others about it, hoping for some understanding and empathy. But here’s the catch.
Those people who know the nice guy narcissist will be utterly confused. In their eyes, he’s such a nice person, so they can’t wrap their heads around the torture and pain you say you’re going through in that relationship with him. It’s tough, you know? When others have a completely different view of him, it’s hard for them to grasp the reality of your situation.
Number 7: When they get angry, it’s intense.
You wouldn’t expect it from a seemingly nice guy narcissist. But deep down, they’re filled with anger, especially when their ego is threatened. They struggle to handle this anger because they don’t want to come off as bad. So, what do they do? They resort to ghosting or ignoring you, basically avoiding any conflict. It can really frustrate you because when they’re angry, it becomes impossible to communicate with them or get your needs met.
This is what we call narcissistic rage. And here’s the thing. When this happens, you won’t even realize that, to them, you’ve done something wrong because they won’t assert themselves or communicate directly. They fear that it would undermine their nice guy image. Dealing with any form of conflict with a nice guy narcissist is virtually impossible, and it can be incredibly challenging for you.
Number 8: Their behavior is unpredictable.
The nice guy narcissist is all over the place, you know? That is, they swing between being overly accommodating to you one minute and dismissive the next. And because it’s easy for them to play the martyr card, they’ll always put others’ needs before yours. It’s so confusing because they seem so dedicated to helping these people. But here’s the thing.
It becomes really hard to speak up about your own concerns or emphasize your own needs because they make it seem like they have no choice but to assist others. And on top of that, they never really pay attention or focus on you. They’re constantly prioritizing others, which can leave you feeling totally confused.
Number 9: They do triangulation.
This is a pretty common thing with nice guy narcissists, you know? With triangulation, they bring other people into your relationship and make sure there are problems between you and these other people. It could be friends, family members, or even their ex before you got together. So basically, they’re setting up a situation where two people are fighting over them.
For example, he might drop hints about his family members’ negative comments about you, making you feel like his family doesn’t like you and creating tension between you and them. And the crazy thing is, they sometimes don’t even realize that they’re doing it, as if it’s a compulsion for them. But this behavior all comes down to their ego. After all, if there’s someone fighting for their attention or someone else who’s in love with them, it boosts their self-esteem.
Related:
Why Narcissists Always Look Like They’re WINNING
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